In order to recognize unhealthy characteristics in a family, it's important to first define what a healthy family looks like. When working with clients who are starting their journey to recover from family trauma, or conducting trainings, I like to discuss some fundamental characteristics of a healthy family. Without a clear understanding of what constitutes a healthy family, it can be challenging to recognize what is unhealthy.
While it may seem easy to identify healthy family traits, many of us are actually unaware of what makes a family healthy or normal. Though words like "healthy" and "unhealthy" are commonly used, few of us can pinpoint the specific characteristics that define a family as such. As a result, I often focus on these six characteristics as a starting point for building a foundational understanding:
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Valuing healthy emotional and physical boundaries: In healthy families, all members, including children, are entitled to privacy and their boundaries are respected. Parents take on the responsibility of teaching their children how to manage emotions and stress through modeling empathy, self-control, and appropriate behavior. The role of children in this process is to learn from their parents' example.
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Recognizing each family member as an individual with unique opinions: In healthy families, each member's opinion is valued and respected, as long as it is expressed in a respectful manner. Even if the adults make the final decision, there is room for differing opinions. In families where there is little room for individuality, it is common for children to struggle with their sense of identity as they grow into adults. When children are taught what to think and how to think, they may struggle to develop their own sense of independent thinking.
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Establishing consistent, fair, and age-appropriate rules and expectations: While all families have rules, it is important that they are consistent, fair, and appropriate for the age of the children. Inconsistent or inappropriate rules can create confusion and disorder in the family. It is important to recognize that children are still developing and learning, so caregivers' expectations of them should reflect their developmental stage.
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Meeting each individual's needs appropriately: In healthy families, members prioritize the well-being of others, but in an age-appropriate way. Parents take on the responsibility of providing emotional care for their children, rather than expecting the children to provide emotional care for them. Other family members also strive to meet each other's needs as best they can.
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Providing a safe and secure environment for all family members: In healthy families, children feel safe to learn, grow, and make mistakes. They understand that mistakes are a normal part of the learning process and do not threaten their safety or security. Love is unconditional.
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Normalizing mistakes and forgiving them in a healthy manner: Healthy families understand that all members are human and mistakes are inevitable. Conflicts and disagreements are addressed in a safe and appropriate manner, with adults modeling constructive ways to manage them. Families focus on learning from mistakes rather than shaming individuals for them. Children learn that they will be held accountable for unacceptable behavior, but they will also be forgiven for their mistakes and not have them held against them for an extended period.
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