The Emphasis on Self-Love May Be Causing Loneliness

Self-love has become the cornerstone of modern wellness culture, with the assurance that good health and freedom follow in its wake.
The Emphasis on Self-Love May Be Causing Loneliness

Self-love is a topic that is frequently praised by both politicians and celebrities these days. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, in a Vogue make-up tutorial, asserts that self-love is "the one foundation of everything." Nicole LaPera, a clinical psychologist who runs the popular Instagram account @theholisticpsychologist, tells her 6.4 million followers that "self-love is our natural state." Even Miley Cyrus, in her recent hit song "Flowers," proudly sings, "I can love me better than you can."

Self-love has become the cornerstone of modern wellness culture, with the assurance that good health and freedom follow in its wake. Sharon Kaiser, the author of "The Self-Love Experiment," claims in her book that "whether you want to lose weight, land your dream job, find your soulmate, or get out of debt, it all comes down to self-love and accepting yourself first." However, the emphasis on self-love may actually be causing loneliness.

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It's becoming increasingly apparent that society is fixated on the concept of self-love. The question is: why?

Our current climate is one in which needing assistance can trigger feelings of shame and embarrassment, ruthless competition supersedes empathetic collaboration, and self-reliance is hailed as the ultimate accomplishment. To navigate this harsh landscape of extreme individualism, self-love has emerged as a survival tool. However, this emphasis on self-love can come with a price, especially when the version we embrace has been distorted by corporate advertising campaigns and social media. In its commoditized form, self-love isn't really self-love at all; rather, it's more akin to self-sabotage, persuading us to excessively focus on ourselves at the cost of meaningful connections with others.

Although the origins of self-love are not entirely clear, Eric Fromm was one of the first psychologists to explore the concept. In his 1956 book, "The Art of Loving," he stated that "Love of others and love of ourselves are not alternatives. On the contrary, an attitude of love towards oneself will be found in all those who are capable of loving others." Fromm believed that self-love was a vital prerequisite for forming relationships with others.

Looking back even further in time, we can find examples of other cultures that regarded self-love as a means of fostering connections. Aristotle, in ancient Greece, asserted that self-love, when practiced virtuously, can serve as a blueprint for loving our friends. In the 13th century, Sufist poet Rumi emphasized the importance of acknowledging the divine within ourselves to feel united with the larger universe. And the ancient Buddhist practice of Metta, also known as loving-kindness meditation, involves directing love inwards first so that it can subsequently be extended outwards.

The contemporary version of self-love, as many of us have come to know it, has drifted far from its genuine roots. It has been co-opted and distorted by toxic consumerism, draining it of its capacity for building relationships. Instead, it has become a marketing tool for corporations and influencers, encouraging individuals to obsess over themselves. Rather than fostering connections, it promotes isolation.

If we pause to reflect on the world we inhabit, where loneliness is at an all-time high, touch deprivation is a genuine concern, and polarizing hostility has supplanted empathetic engagement, it is not difficult to understand why we have turned to self-love for solace. In order to survive in our fractured world, we have been left with little option but to seek out affection from within ourselves.

Numerous studies indicate that we are in the midst of an escalating loneliness crisis. According to a recent survey conducted by Cigna, nearly 80% of adults aged 18 to 24 reported feeling lonely. A study conducted in 2018, even before the start of the COVID-19 pandemic, showed that 54% of Americans felt that no one in their life really knew them.

Clinical professor of psychiatry at the UCLA School of Medicine, Dr. Dan Siegel, attributes this alarming level of isolation to what he refers to as our "culture of separation." In his latest book, "Intraconnected," Siegel argues that our society places emphasis on separation rather than connection, independence rather than interdependence, and individuality rather than a shared identity. Ultimately, our culture's overriding focus on excessive autonomy and self-sufficiency has resulted in a society characterized by disconnection.

On social media, women are often targeted with advertisements disguised as self-love and self-care, promoting products like Botox, pilates machines, advanced skincare wands, and organic hair growth serums. However, rather than fostering connection among women, these products encourage self-obsession, negative social comparison, and insecurity.

The blurred line between self-love and self-involvement is exemplified by influencer culture. The normalization of narcissism and the rewards of likes, follows, and corporate sponsorships create detrimental effects for both influencers and followers, leading to diminished psychological well-being. When self-love is entangled with materialism and self-absorption, it can have serious consequences for our collective mental health. Research shows that excessive focus on oneself is associated with anxiety and depression. Moreover, past studies have demonstrated the vicious cycle of consumption and loneliness, whereby buying material possessions in the name of self-love leads to feelings of loneliness, and further attempts to soothe oneself through more purchases exacerbate the problem. Ultimately, this takes a toll on our physical health, as loneliness has been linked to increased inflammation, heart disease, and premature death.

Self-love is a double-edged sword that can either promote unity or isolation. In these times of extreme social fragmentation, it is crucial to develop self-love that connects us with others. But how can we achieve this?

The answer lies in introspection. We can gauge our progress towards healthy self-love by observing whether we feel connected to our bodies and our communities. The manifestation of this concept varies from person to person. For instance, we may prioritize rest and rejuvenation one day, so that we can better engage with our friends the next day. Alternatively, we may choose to quit a high-stress job that detracts from our well-being and spend more time with the people and activities that bring us joy. By fostering healthy self-love, we not only enhance our capacity for connection but also become the best version of ourselves.

Self-love distorted by radical individualism can lead to feelings of isolation, detachment, and self-absorption. This manifests in purchasing "self-care" products that promote negative self-talk or using self-compassion as an excuse to avoid social connections. It is crucial that we learn to recognize when harmful ideas are disguised as self-love and when we ourselves unknowingly accept them.

Our society's emphasis on separation can be overwhelming, and it's easy to get caught up in it. However, if we can strike a balance between taking care of ourselves and nurturing our connections with others, genuine self-love can become our lifeboat in the stormy seas of modern life.

The Emphasis on Self-Love May Be Causing Loneliness

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